"I have no right to feel like Job, I'm sure I don't actually feel anything like he did. He had everything taken away from him. He was miserable. But I can't help feeling like I have nothing, and I know God wouldn't want me to think this way, but I'm only human."
This is the argument I was having with myself the other day. I am well aware that I don't have it anywhere near as bad as Job did, but somehow I had convinced myself that I did. It's hard to explain why I feel this way, but I have to start at some point, so I'm going to start with the death of my mother. Job lost family just as I did. In fact it was actually his first test, as was the death of my mother for me. (Job 1:18-19) However, unlike Job, I failed miserably. Job turned to God. Job 1:20 says "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship." WORSHIP!!! I couldn't believe this at first. I felt ashamed of myself, because when my mother passed, at first I was in denial, going as far as to pinch myself, because I didn't believe it was really happening. (I was only 10, I was kinda silly then) But the next thing I did was curse a God I didn't even really knew existed. I got so mad and I just yelled and kept saying, "If you were really real you wouldn't have taken my mom. I hate you. I hate you." This mentality went on for so long. Every night before I went to bed I would think, "God, I hate you, why have you done this to me."
Not even a year later I was molested, by someone I should have been able to trust. [I will not ever fess up to who it was, because I have forgiven them, and need to let them heal too. I don't want anybody to guess who it was either, because I don't want someone who is innocent to be accused.] This is also something that I've never told anyone, but I feel like in order to be honest about my journey with God, it is something that needs to come out. Anyways, I feel like this was my Second Test. Job had a second test too, in which he was afflicted with painful sores all over his body, and though I didn't have some weird thing like this (unless you consider chicken pox when I was six, haha), I feel like it left emotional sores. Ones that have only just healed within the last 6 months. However, until March of this year, I had failed this test too, because when Job was given his second test he "did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10). But what did I do, I cried even louder to God. "How could you let this happen to me? First you kill my mother and now you let this person touch me time and time again? Why don't you make it stop? Why do you let me suffer?". I cried this out inside everyday. In a time where I should have been turning to God, I blamed Him. I thought it was His fault somehow. I think that many people in bad situations do.
I kept dealing with my issues into 8th grade. I hated God. I was depressed and I didn't care about much. I had so much hatred in me, not only for God, but for the people around me, and I even hated myself. I sometimes feel like that is what attracted Satan to me. I think that he fed off of my anger and it became easy for him to influence my behaviors. Don't get me wrong. I didn't start doing horrible things, or anything. I just hated even more. I had friends, but I didn't really care about them. I used people to get my way, I was very manipulative with my words, especially for someone so young.
Job had 3 friends, who came and sat with him in his time of morning. However, I didn't have any friends that really truly understood what was happening to me. That was until God sent them to me. And there were 3. But they weren't sent to help me mourn, they were sent to set me free.
The first was a beautiful girl in my grade. She was one of my, you're-my-friend-but-not-really friends. She was talking about confirmation, and I wasn't really sure what it was, but I wanted to go. Of course, being the teenager that I was, I was using it to get out of advisory.
I went home that night and told my parents that I wanted to start going to confirmation, and of course they were really confused. Of course, the funny thing was, my dad said you can go as long as it's not at the Catholic church. I never understood that, as I'm catholic now. Haha. However, that first church was American Lutheran Church in Long Prairie, MN.
So the next week, I got up on Wednesday morning and went to the church. This is where I met Pastor Bill. He was so convincing about God. However, I still went home every night thinking, "God, you have ruined my life". Job didn't do this, however, he went so far as to curse the day of his birth, but he never does truly curse God.
I met another friend, who is still a friend to me today, and I consider him nothing less than my brother. This is the friend who got me through thick and thin. He helped me see God. This man helped me to be free of the literal demons who were influencing me, and when he did this. I saw God in a new light. I realized he had nothing to do with the things that happened to me. It was Satan. Because much like Job, Satan tested me, he wanted me to reject God. And the reason I say that I don't get to feel like Job, is because he didn't fail miserably like I did. However, Satan did fail, because instead of continuing to hate God, I began to love Him. I began to see Him for what He was, and by doing this, I saw what Satan was doing in my life.
I still struggle now and again, with the "God Why's", my version of the "but why?" that so many ask their parents. But instead of going on and on about it, I always hear God's comforting voice saying "Why are you worrying? I've never let you down before, and I never will." If we trust in God, and we lean toward Him during our sorrows, they will still be great sorrows, but they will be a little easier to get through. God never turns his face on us.
Tonight I want to pray for all of the people who have ever been molested or raped. I know what you are going through, and God can heal you from all of your pain. The key is forgiveness!
Pray with me.
Father, I just ask you to heal me from the great sufferings that I have endured. I ask that you replenish my purity, and help me to set my eyes upon you during the healing process from these tragic occurrences. Lord, I pray also for the person who wronged me. That they will be healed from their desire to do inappropriate acts. I ask that you aid me in forgiving them. So that my conscience may be free of them. In your word you say "Bear with each other and forgive WHATEVER grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13) Because we to have sinned, and you forgave us, so we know forgive them. Amen.
