Never Give Up

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything, partially because of moving, partially because I had a falling away from God because of various things, that now do not make much sense to me. Something that has been of particular interest to me as of late has been marriage, partially because of my seemingly failing one, and partially because I am slowly realizing the hard work that marriage requires, and how I have been looking in all the wrong places for fixes to my problems.

I always thought that marriage would be something that would be pretty easy. I don't know why I had that vision, especially the way I saw the marriages around me crumbling all the time. My parents got divorced in when I was 6, my paternal grandmother is on husband number four, and most everyone else, except my maternal grandparents have been divorced; my step-mom's parents, etc. When I think back on it, I realize that though I have seen a lot of relationships fail, and few succeed, the thing that is missing is always God. Even the relationships in my family that have managed to work, do not include God, not truly. This is disheartening at times, because I feel as if I have no real role model to look to in terms of what a healthy and balanced relationship is.

All of the solutions I have seen in my life to marital problems are extensive arguing, yelling, name calling...and when you think about that, it seems very childish. And then there is divorce; a huge decision, but for some reason, one I was ready to commit to last Saturday. The weird thing is that I'm not a quitter. I fight through everything in life. I battle my days with two children, trying to complete homework and readings, trying to keep the house clean, plus working part time. Yet somehow I was willing to just give up on 5 1/2 years of being with the man that I love, and our 2 years of marriage. Even though I kept telling myself that it wasn't the answer, it took a good friend of mine telling me that I "know" it isn't the answer, to actual make the decision to figure out what I need to change.

That didn't take long-- almost immediately I was convicted on the lack of God in my husband and I's relationship. We don't show each other unconditional love, we bicker and fight and name call, and sometimes sound a lot like our 1 and 3 year old boys bickering over toys. I was ashamed, and still am, and it's only been 3 days since I uttered the words, "I want a divorce," but already God is healing our relationship.

The Love Dare devotional has been something that we started together, and on my own I have been reading the bible daily and praying. God has been reminding me of the little things. That I need to know what true love is, that I need to know the meaning of marriage, and especially that even though I feel like I have to relationships to look to as influential in the way that I want my marriage to be, I do have one. Between Christ and His church. A marriage that will never die. A marriage that is always faithful. I am also realizing that my husband and my marriage needs to involved God, every step of the way, no matter what.

It's going to be one step at a time, but I truly feel like good is going to come of this. That we will be strengthened in Him, and that He will heal our pain and bring us together again.

Lord, today I pray that you touch the lives of everyone struggling in their marriage. Divorce rates are so high, and I believe with everything that I am, that it is because people do not understand love. God today give us hearts overflowing with your love and your joy, so that we may let it flow onto everyone around us. Make us examples of you daily, and give us new people daily, to show Your heart to. Help us to always remember to thank you for our marriages, because you have brought us together with our spouses, and you are a part of our relationships, Lord. Thank you for the beautiful examples of faithful marriage in Christ's relationship in the church, and teach us the fruits of the spirit, so that we may love even greater. In your Holy Name. Amen.