Where are You hiding?

Sometimes it's hard to see God working in your life. We can't always see Him but we know He's always there, seems to be the go to response when we are seeking God and haven't really heard from Him in a while. It's definitely not helpful.

I mean, if you are lost and looking for a map and someone tells you, well it's written with invisible ink, so you can't see it, but at least you know it's here, is that really going to help you. You still won't know where you are going, maybe you won't even know where you are at.

Of course, this does happen in life. We don't always have to know what's going on, it's important to make God the pilot, but there is a difference between this and going on auto-pilot.

I think this is where I made my first mistake. I was doing super well, going to church every week, switched to a church that I could agree with, and made it a point to meet some people. Then I switched off. Unfortunately this led me to go back to staying in bed on Sunday morning, continuing my hermit behavior, and allowing my self to slack off in areas that I knew needed work.

At first, in a situation like this it's like, yeah, God. He's cool. I can't see Him, but I know He loves me. The problem with this thinking is that we start to IGNORE Him. We start to think about Him less and less, and pretty soon we stop thinking about Him all together, that is until something terrible happens and we begin bargaining with Him.

The truth is we serve an ever present God. During Pentecost, God sent his Holy Spirit to live among us on the Earth. If we get out of auto-pilot mode, then maybe we will be more aware of the work God does in our lives everyday. We will pay more attention and see His works, and maybe even His will. Our God isn't a God we can't see. He is visible in lots of ways.

This week I'm going to look at the positives. I'm going to focus on God in my life, and keep a list of ways he has blessed me. If you would like to join me feel free to share! We can share Yay! Gods!!!! Because they are truly the best things to share.

Please pray with me now.
God, remind us that you are a present God, visible through your works and promises in our lives. Please aid us in seeing these things more clearly, so that we may have a greater faith and trust in you. Help us to begin to seek out your will and turn off our auto-pilots so that we may live the lives you have made for us, rather than the life that we would choose for ourselves. Make us aware of our potential and our purpose in this wonderful world you have created.
-Amen

Never Give Up

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything, partially because of moving, partially because I had a falling away from God because of various things, that now do not make much sense to me. Something that has been of particular interest to me as of late has been marriage, partially because of my seemingly failing one, and partially because I am slowly realizing the hard work that marriage requires, and how I have been looking in all the wrong places for fixes to my problems.

I always thought that marriage would be something that would be pretty easy. I don't know why I had that vision, especially the way I saw the marriages around me crumbling all the time. My parents got divorced in when I was 6, my paternal grandmother is on husband number four, and most everyone else, except my maternal grandparents have been divorced; my step-mom's parents, etc. When I think back on it, I realize that though I have seen a lot of relationships fail, and few succeed, the thing that is missing is always God. Even the relationships in my family that have managed to work, do not include God, not truly. This is disheartening at times, because I feel as if I have no real role model to look to in terms of what a healthy and balanced relationship is.

All of the solutions I have seen in my life to marital problems are extensive arguing, yelling, name calling...and when you think about that, it seems very childish. And then there is divorce; a huge decision, but for some reason, one I was ready to commit to last Saturday. The weird thing is that I'm not a quitter. I fight through everything in life. I battle my days with two children, trying to complete homework and readings, trying to keep the house clean, plus working part time. Yet somehow I was willing to just give up on 5 1/2 years of being with the man that I love, and our 2 years of marriage. Even though I kept telling myself that it wasn't the answer, it took a good friend of mine telling me that I "know" it isn't the answer, to actual make the decision to figure out what I need to change.

That didn't take long-- almost immediately I was convicted on the lack of God in my husband and I's relationship. We don't show each other unconditional love, we bicker and fight and name call, and sometimes sound a lot like our 1 and 3 year old boys bickering over toys. I was ashamed, and still am, and it's only been 3 days since I uttered the words, "I want a divorce," but already God is healing our relationship.

The Love Dare devotional has been something that we started together, and on my own I have been reading the bible daily and praying. God has been reminding me of the little things. That I need to know what true love is, that I need to know the meaning of marriage, and especially that even though I feel like I have to relationships to look to as influential in the way that I want my marriage to be, I do have one. Between Christ and His church. A marriage that will never die. A marriage that is always faithful. I am also realizing that my husband and my marriage needs to involved God, every step of the way, no matter what.

It's going to be one step at a time, but I truly feel like good is going to come of this. That we will be strengthened in Him, and that He will heal our pain and bring us together again.

Lord, today I pray that you touch the lives of everyone struggling in their marriage. Divorce rates are so high, and I believe with everything that I am, that it is because people do not understand love. God today give us hearts overflowing with your love and your joy, so that we may let it flow onto everyone around us. Make us examples of you daily, and give us new people daily, to show Your heart to. Help us to always remember to thank you for our marriages, because you have brought us together with our spouses, and you are a part of our relationships, Lord. Thank you for the beautiful examples of faithful marriage in Christ's relationship in the church, and teach us the fruits of the spirit, so that we may love even greater. In your Holy Name. Amen.

Opening Our Eyes to Sin

First off....Please join me in praying for everyone in the FLDS that God would open their eyes to the truth that is Him. I pray that you, God heal the hearts of the girls that were involved, and that you heal their minds from the perversions that they were taught as truth. God I know that you have so much for these young people, touch their lives now Jesus. I petition the angels and saints, especially St. Maria Goretti, patron saint of girls and rape victims, to pray with me today for these children. They are on my hearts so greatly. Maybe because I know what it is like to be wronged. I pray that they can forgive as I did. Because forgiving is the only way for them to gain the freedom from all of this.Fill them with your hope and spirit. Father, I pray for the mothers in this situation. That they would come to recognize this as a false teaching, and to never subject their children to such horrible situations again. Lord I also pray for Warren Jeffs, the man that started so much of this, the man that claims he is a prophet in your name, that he can see that what he did was wrong, and that he will come to truth in you and repent. I also pray that the people of this "church" realize that Jeffs is not truely a prophet for you God. That this is not something that would be your will and that you call us to live a much different life.

Lord I thank you for the truth that is your word, and for you giving up your son to die for our sins. It is times like I realize why Jesus had to die such a terrible death, because we all sin, and all sins are equal. It convicts me when I hear of things like this, because I know that my sins, hurt you just as much as this story does. I ask your forgiveness for the wrong in my life God, and ask you to heal my heart from it. I thank you for the amazing gift of everlasting life that we have through your son. God I pray this in your name. Amen.

Rumors of God: Experience the Kind of Faith You've Only Heard About by Darren Whitehead and Jon Tyson

Rumors of God is reaching out to Christians and challenging them to let go of the ungodly world we live in and walk in blind faith with Christ. They echo the prayer of Habakkuk throughout the book, “LORD, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, LORD. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.” They use this prayer to challenge us. They challenge that even though we may know of God, that doesn’t mean we know God, and they call us to a radical faith.

         

   This book was so good on so many levels. I was skeptical at first, realizing that both of these pastors worked in “mega-churches”, which reminded me of televangelism and then made me think, are they just writing this book for the money. That was before I read the first page, but once I opened it I couldn’t put it down. These men have an amazing insight, and though they poke and prod and ask us to give up our comfort to live radically for Christ, you never feel too uncomfortable. As I read I could feel God challenging the way I live my life. I knew that what these men spoke of was truth. I hope that all who read this feel the same call to action that I felt, and that they didn’t just make a temporary change, but a permanent one.


I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com <http://BookSneeze®.com> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <http://www.access.gpo.gov/nara/cfr/waisidx_03/16cfr255_03.html> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Feeling Like Job

"I have no right to feel like Job, I'm sure I don't actually feel anything like he did. He had everything taken away from him. He was miserable. But I can't help feeling like I have nothing, and I know God wouldn't want me to think this way, but I'm only human."

This is the argument I was having with myself the other day. I am well aware that I don't have it anywhere near as bad as Job did, but somehow I had convinced myself that I did. It's hard to explain why I feel this way, but I have to start at some point, so I'm going to start with the death of my mother. Job lost family just as I did. In fact it was actually his first test, as was the death of my mother for me. (Job 1:18-19) However, unlike Job, I failed miserably. Job turned to God. Job 1:20 says "At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship." WORSHIP!!! I couldn't believe this at first. I felt ashamed of myself, because when my mother passed, at first I was in denial, going as far as to pinch myself, because I didn't believe it was really happening. (I was only 10, I was kinda silly then) But the next thing I did was curse a God I didn't even really knew existed. I got so mad and I just yelled and kept saying, "If you were really real you wouldn't have taken my mom. I hate you. I hate you." This mentality went on for so long. Every night before I went to bed I would think, "God, I hate you, why have you done this to me."

Not even a year later I was molested, by someone I should have been able to trust. [I will not ever fess up to who it was, because I have forgiven them, and need to let them heal too. I don't want anybody to guess who it was either, because I don't want someone who is innocent to be accused.] This is also something that I've never told anyone, but I feel like in order to be honest about my journey with God, it is something that needs to come out. Anyways, I feel like this was my Second Test. Job had a second test too, in which he was afflicted with painful sores all over his body, and though I didn't have some weird thing like this (unless you consider chicken pox when I was six, haha), I feel like it left emotional sores. Ones that have only just healed within the last 6 months. However, until March of this year, I had failed this test too, because when Job was given his second test he "did not sin in what he said." (Job 2:10). But what did I do, I cried even louder to God. "How could you let this happen to me? First you kill my mother and now you let this person touch me time and time again? Why don't you make it stop? Why do you let me suffer?". I cried this out inside everyday. In a time where I should have been turning to God, I blamed Him. I thought it was His fault somehow. I think that many people in bad situations do.

I kept dealing with my issues into 8th grade. I hated God. I was depressed and I didn't care about much. I had so much hatred in me, not only for God, but for the people around me, and I even hated myself. I sometimes feel like that is what attracted Satan to me. I think that he fed off of my anger and it became easy for him to influence my behaviors. Don't get me wrong. I didn't start doing horrible things, or anything. I just hated even more. I had friends, but I didn't really care about them. I used people to get my way, I was very manipulative with my words, especially for someone so young.

Job had 3 friends, who came and sat with him in his time of morning. However, I didn't have any friends that really truly understood what was happening to me. That was until God sent them to me. And there were 3. But they weren't sent to help me mourn, they were sent to set me free.

The first was a beautiful girl in my grade. She was one of my, you're-my-friend-but-not-really friends. She was talking about confirmation, and I wasn't really sure what it was, but I wanted to go. Of course, being the teenager that I was, I was using it to get out of advisory.

I went home that night and told my parents that I wanted to start going to confirmation, and of course they were really confused. Of course, the funny thing was, my dad said you can go as long as it's not at the Catholic church. I never understood that, as I'm catholic now. Haha. However, that first church was American Lutheran Church in Long Prairie, MN.

So the next week, I got up on Wednesday morning and went to the church. This is where I met Pastor Bill. He was so convincing about God. However, I still went home every night thinking, "God, you have ruined my life". Job didn't do this, however, he went so far as to curse the day of his birth, but he never does truly curse God.

I met another friend, who is still a friend to me today, and I consider him nothing less than my brother. This is the friend who got me through thick and thin. He helped me see God. This man helped me to be free of the literal demons who were influencing me, and when he did this. I saw God in a new light. I realized he had nothing to do with the things that happened to me. It was Satan. Because much like Job, Satan tested me, he wanted me to reject God. And the reason I say that I don't get to feel like Job, is because he didn't fail miserably like I did. However, Satan did fail, because instead of continuing to hate God, I began to love Him. I began to see Him for what He was, and by doing this, I saw what Satan was doing in my life.

I still struggle now and again, with the "God Why's", my version of the "but why?" that so many ask their parents. But instead of going on and on about it, I always hear God's comforting voice saying "Why are you worrying? I've never let you down before, and I never will." If we trust in God, and we lean toward Him during our sorrows, they will still be great sorrows, but they will be a little easier to get through. God never turns his face on us.

Tonight I want to pray for all of the people who have ever been molested or raped. I know what you are going through, and God can heal you from all of your pain. The key is forgiveness!
Pray with me.

Father, I just ask you to heal me from the great sufferings that I have endured. I ask that you replenish my purity, and help me to set my eyes upon you during the healing process from these tragic occurrences. Lord, I pray also for the person who wronged me. That they will be healed from their desire to do inappropriate acts. I ask that you aid me in forgiving them.  So that my conscience may be free of them. In your word you say "Bear with each other and forgive WHATEVER grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Colossians 3:13) Because we to have sinned, and you forgave us, so we know forgive them. Amen. 

Sitting and Waiting

What should have been 4th of July fireworks with bright colorful balls of fire and loud booms, were actually lightening strikes illuminating the entire sky and loud claps of thunder and the sound of tornado sirens in every direction. Because of the tornado warning, and partially because I live on the 2nd floor of an apartment with no basement, I decided it would be best to stay at the college campus where the fireworks were being held. We went into the gym to wait it out. But what was supposed to be a 20 minute wait, turned into an hour when the tornado warning got extended. 

What was my reaction? Well, it definitely wasn't the best one. My husband got crabby because he was tired, and I allowed his negativity to feed mine. It was humid and hot in this building with no AC, and it was 90 degrees outside. I allowed this to feed my negativity further. And when that warning got extended, I was just furious. I wanted to go home. They had cancelled the fireworks and there was no reason for me to be there. That's what I thought anyways. 

When I got home I kept hearing a song playing over and over in my head, and it's actually still doing it. I haven't even heard this song in forever, but I wanted to share it with you.

My point here is that, God was telling me, here you are, you are waiting through this storm, yet you are choosing to wait it out with anger and annoyance, instead of patience. I realized that this was true of many storms of this life. I wait them out in annoyance and impatience. I want answers now. Yet God tells us to wait in his word. Psalm 27:14 says "Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." If we patiently and worshipfully wait out the metaphoric storms of life, and we trust in God and follow Him, then he is going to lead us carefully and safely through them. 

Relying on God in a storm is like wearing a suit of rubber. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. Rubber is going to keep the rain off, and it offers an even greater protection, it doesn't conduct electricity, which means we aren't going to be hurt by the random lightening strikes. Not having God, not waiting it out with Him, and we might as well walk through a storm with a lightening rod, because we aren't going to make it without Him anyways.

The Beginning

I want to get my story out there. I want to be heard. I want people to be changed forever because of my life. But it's not about me at all. My story would be pointless without God; because it is through God that I am the person I am today. Or at least the person I am striving to be day by day.

No, I'm not going to talk about my history everyday. I'm sure sometimes I will post reviews or recipes I come up with. Maybe just pictures of my wonderful husband and son. But the most important part of this blog to me is showing the world that there is hope in Jesus, and that no matter what you have been through, He can help. I'm living proof of that.

I'm not saying I've had it any harder or easier than the next person, because the worst that's ever happened to someone is the worst. Like if the worst thing that happens to someone is that they struggle with addiction, and the worst thing that has happened to their best friend is that they lost their puppy, neither one has had in any more easy or difficult. Because to both of those people that is the worst that has happened. I am simply here to say, look what God can do to a broken girl (or guy) to make them unbroken. That He alone can take our most horrific and terrible experiences and turn them into a beautiful and wonderful thing; using them to mold the people we become.